Watching the Wrong Things

Sometimes, I don’t know how to start a blog post. Every starting sentence feels contrived to make things seem more exciting than the topic really is. And this isn’t a story so I can’t just pick some random point to start from and get back to the beginning at some point. The topic feels like it needs an introduction. Something formal, to prepare you for what’s to come. But nothing seems right.

I could have started with: I have been watchful, but have found myself watching the results rather than the cause. You’d think I was talking about politics. Maybe global warming. Maybe the possibility of a new war due to ISIS/ISIL/Islamic State. Some big, universal issue that I should be participating in, not something extremely personal.

But, it couldn’t be more personal: My weight.

I’ve been watching it for awhile now. Watching it get higher, that is. Watching (and feeling) my clothes get tighter. Watching my double-chin get double-r. Watching my doctor make a sour face when she sees the numbers get larger between visits.

I was one of the lucky ones. I only gained 15 pounds when I was pregnant and was back to my birth weight within a week of when my daughter was born. I fit into all of my old clothes – well, almost all, some tops were too small due to, well, due to my then-expansive chest. I was pumping so I even got to eat 500 extra calories, like when I was pregnant.

Except I stopped pumping in early June and have still been eating those 500 extra calories on many days. And I haven’t been exercising in any way other than a little bit of carrying and running after Squirms which, really, doesn’t amount to a whole lot. I’m still only up 5 pounds from my pre-pregnancy weight but I know I am larger than I was then, and not just because of how my body has shifted post-pregnancy.

My focus must change, then. To watching not my weight – insert lecture on fat versus muscle density – but to watching what it is I do that impacts my weight, my size, my energy level, and how I feel about how I look. There’s also the health size but my stats tell me I’m pretty decent, only marginally into territory where a huge change in my habits is necessary.

Today is the day. Today is the day I start paying attention to what I eat and make healthy choices. I’ve made those choices in the past and know how to make myself choose them. Matt knows how to support me such that I don’t feel guilty for making bad choices but empowered to make good ones. Squirms needs a good example of how to eat healthy foods and quantities. My work even has a great discount on the program I have used before to great success.

I will watch what I eat.

I will watch how much activity I’m getting.

I will watch as my self-esteem improves because of the side-effects of those choices.

I will watch the right things.

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Watching the Wrong Things

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